First time ever on my blog presenting an OSSUM friend as a guest blogger! I didn't have to pester him or anything to get him to write a post on my blog, he agreed instantly unlike most who throw tantrums :P Well I am in love with his blog SIDOSCOPE, where he has written on themes ranging from humor to thriller stories. And if there is this one blogger I want to see as a novelist, it is SID coz trust me he can write the most awesome stories. My favorite being WHAT IF. I will stop yapping now and let you guys read what he has specially written for my blog! :)
Long long long time ago when the Gods and Demons were busy churning the ocean, a dangerous item came on the planet from the depth of ocean, deadlier than the halahal (The poisonous poison that Lord Shiva had to drink...poor Lord) and even powerful than the bramhastra (The ultimate weapon of Mass destruction. shss don't tell America we Indians know it), it was called Television, the ultimate weapon of mass distraction.
Gods fear it, the demons hated it. Both started dodging the idiot box in heaven and hell and finally they decided to send it on Earth and both Gods and Demons secretly decided they will not talk about it. They simply whistled as the television hit planet earth, you see back them Mr. Flintstone Dagade and his family were happy living in stone age, chasing dinosaurs for two days and then enjoying a feast on third day but wallah, they found television and Mrs. Dagade (the stone age super wife) got busy watching it and slowly they stopped chasing the dinosaurs and started eating the green green things that grew on their doors, true story.
The dinosaurs saddened with no one chasing them and started committing suicide. When the television showed the people only 1411 dinosaurs left, no one listened (maybe because back then there was no sound in television, who knows?) and dinosaurs died down and humans started sitting too much on their butts, so lost their tail, true history of television, at least I believe it is true, sacchi.
Television nowadays is the biggest curse lying around the house, if there is anyone in the world who shows wrong thing at the wrong time, its television. I always suspected television had a big conspiracy against me since childhood.
Whatever I used to watch since childhood, even if it science channel where they used to show wild animals and stuff, but the moment my dad used to step into the room, all of the sudden without any prior warning, it would show condom ads. Total awkward silence, between me and my dad.
The curse has no ending, imagine after spending a complete day at the office, you come home and sit down for hot dinner served by your mom. You are putting the first morsel in your mouth, just for curiosity you peep what your mom is watching for last two hours, she may be watching the age old historical saga of some queen or even the undying feudal human torture methods (read: sobby sobby soaps with 2567th episode airing tonight) but the moment you peep in, the television chooses to show you… toiler cleaner advertisement, with the worlds most dirty toilet on display. The torture doesn’t end here, not satisfied with the look of disgust on your face, it chooses to zoom into the toilet at the microscopic level to show you the germs wriggling in the toilet, all this while with the morsel in your hand and a look of disgust on your face, and then use their brand new toilet cleaner with some stupid technology (I always wonder how the liquids get technology?) into the toilet bowl and flush it. Aaaah by then, you are also so flushed.
There are some elite marshal arts associated with the television. My little bro who has mastered the art of flipping 1001 channels (its an expression, I am not that rich to buy so many channels) in the little window of commercial breaks often comes all of the sudden, snatches the remote from my hand, turns out some million channels and again gets my channel by the end of commercial break, exact. So proud I am of his skills, I tried doing it once. I flipped channel during commercial break, saw a old chinese chu ha movie, was seeing the fight scene, I forgot the channel which I was watching previously. I asked my bro, he looked at me as if he has seen an alien. Garn.
There is another elite ancient marshal arts which my mom is expert in, watching two different soaps on two different channels, in two different language in the same time slot. I have to learn this trick, she doesn’t teach me, they all laugh at me when I ask them.
After the television spoiled half the world, the devil decided to send one more companion, the television remote controller. Have you taken part in house Olympics with wrestling being primary sport and the winning trophy? the television remote.
I have also seen houses hosting treasure hunt competition where the younger sibling hides the television remote and the elder one searches for it. It usually ends with both getting good spanking and mom/dad snatching the remote and tuning to news.
I am hunting for the gateway to heaven that they showed last week on a news channel, so I can throw the idiot box out there, but last time someone did it, the box returned the same way and he definitely heard a giggle and a thunder from the other end.
The universe is planning a big plot against humanity, but we are busy searching for channel no. 9 on the idiot box.